Dracula: The Dirty Old Man (1969)

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A cheesy low budget movie with gobs of nudity revolving around a vampire and his lycanthrope servant.



As we are introduced to a vampire rising from his coffin located in a cave, we get this stellar opening narration:

There across the desert was where I had my first experience. As I looked out into the beautiful hills beyond, beyond the beautiful hills, I saw a panorama of beautiful hills. However, as beautiful as it may seem, death lurked behind the beautiful hills, behind the beautiful hills.
It was a day just like any other day.... which doesn't say much. And then all of a sudden the sky turned. And I saw a blue mountain -- back behind a blue mountain -- back behind another blue mountain. And then I knew that I was in the land of blue mountains.
 


Now we are introduced to Mike (Billy Whitton) and Ann (Ann Hollis).  They're just arriving at Ann's house after a date.  


"I had such a wonderful time tonight, Mike.  Thanks for taking me out."

Mike reminds me of a sleazy Wayne Newton.  Ann reminds me of Ms. Blaylock  (Billie Whitelaw) from The Omen, Damien's nanny - but younger and with red hair.  Note that young Whitelaw used to look quite good (see Frenzy and Twisted Nerve).


Ann: "With all the other girls at the paper, I don't know why you'd want to pick on me?"
Mike: "Maybe you're special."


Luring behind the foliage in this suburban neighborhood is Alucard (which the opening credits were kind enough to point out, is "Dracula" spelled backwards).  [I'm reminded of Robert DeNiro's character in Angle Heart - Louis Cypher]. Incredibly, the dubbed voice for Alucard sounds almost exactly like Jackie Mason.  Let that statement sink in.  


The randy vampire then begins spying on Ann, all the while making wisecracks.  It's like being at peepshow hosted by David Brenner.



Ann puts her nightgown on and turns out the light.  Alucard turns into a bat and flies away.




The next day, Mike and Ann are back at work.  


Ann is wearing a red crushed velvet suit with miniskirt and frilly lace  Mike is wearing is wearing something from the James Garner fashion line. Mike asks her out on another date.


Mike parleys with his secretary, Joan (Joan Picket) like any warm blooded 60s male.  He learns that the boss wants him to travel to Nelson's Landing where he will meet with a Mr. Alucard.  


It seems this Alucard has opened up a mine out there which may bring in some much needed business to the area. Nelson's Landing is a remote location in Nevada near the Colorado River.  The actual filming location however, was Bronson Canyon, CA. (The "in town" scenes were filmed in Dallas.)


After an all day drive, Mike meets up with Alucard at Nelson's Landing.  A taste of the amazing dialog:

Alucard: Good Evening!
Mike: Damn! You scared me -- scared the hell out of me.
Alucard: What you think? I was checking out the place, I didn't hear you come in. But now that you're here...
Mike: Yeah well, my name is Mike Waters and I was looking for the bathroom.
Alucard: How do you do. I'm sorry but we don't have good bathing facilities here.
Mike: What'd you say?
Alucard: I said, we don't have good places for going here in the shaft. But I want you to know that --
Mike: You talk funny. You really do.
Alucard: Well don't you worry about it.


Alucard puts Mike under his spell and lays out his master plan... 

I'm going to make you a deal. I want for you to go out and get me every night a different girl. You like to do that for me? You would have fun! What's left over, I give you. I'm gonna make you a Jackal-man.

Remember to read all of Alucard's quotes in the voice of Jackie Mason.  If you don't know Jackie Mason, then use Professor Zoidberg from Futurama. They're roughly the same.



Mike's secretary, Joan, is leaving work late.  She leaves through the back door.


Mike turns into the Jackal-Man.  He corners Joan in the dark alley.


Joan faints and Alucard appears out of nowhere and scoops her up.  I should also point out that Mike has been named "Irving Jeckyl" by Alucard.



Alucard then disappears back to his cave.


Joan is tied up and stripped completely naked.  Alucard gropes her. "I'm going to introduce to you some joy like you've never had before in your life!" Note that Joan's dubbed squeals  sound disturbingly like Shirley Booth (you may know her as Hazel or Mrs. Claus).  


He then sucks her blood, killing her in the process. 


In the next scene, the Jackal-Man attacks an unlucky couple exiting a building.  The hipster doofus gets straight up murdered.


Carol is played by Sue Allen provided singing voice work in The Thanksgiving That Almost Wasn't (1972) and Yogi's First Christmas (1980). 


Carol is pinned to the car and magically teleported away by Alucard. The Jackal-Man wonders what's going on.


She suddenly appears in Alucard's arms.  He carries her to the rack to be tied up.


The vampire undresses Carol and makes a rather mean spirited comment saying her boobs were much better than the last one's.  Poor Joan! 





The Jackal-Man pops up from behind a garbage can as a woman (Libby Caculus) is taking out the trash. 



The Jackal-Man invades the home and kills the husband. The wife watches and screams.


Things get completely disturbing as the monster kills the woman - then humps her body!


This film is pretty cheesy and light - minus this disturbing scene.


A woman has stopped at a gas station to use the restroom.


The Jackal-Man strikes.  The woman faints and the monster carries her to Alucard's cave.


The woman is brought before Alucard.


But this time, he plays a little game with his victim.  He unties her and lets her try to escape...


The The Jackal-Man chases her around the cave.  We see Joan and Carol still tied up in the background.


She's pinned down and humped by The Jackal-Man.  She faints during the ordeal.



The woman, still unconscious, is tied up.


Alucard later takes a closer look at Carol. 




Mike takes Ann to a drive in movie. He's a discheviled mess (having been a jackal-man all night long). He complains of a stomach ache and says he's going to hit the snack bar and get a Coke to sooth his headache.  


Mike grabs a few things at the snack bar, but transforms into the Jackal-Man 


Ann wonders what's taking Mike so long.


Mike returns - as the  Jackal-Man.  Ann is stricken with fear.


Ann faints and is carried off by the monster.


So the Jackal-Man brings an unconscious Ann back to Alucard's lair.  


When Alucard does his little schlemiel schlemazel which rids Ann of her clothes.


But there's a problem - Alucard wants Ann for himself and The Jackal-Man wants none of that -  he's sick of bringing him all the ladies.  This time this one's his. While they fight over Ann, she wakes up and takes the opportunity to escape. 


She's completely naked except for a pair of high heels.  The next several minutes are nothing but  Ann running awkwardly through the caverns.


Finally, Ann is captured and brought back to the lair.


Finally, the vampire can enjoy his most prized victim. But the Jackal Man wants a piece of Ann as well. A battle rages on



Anyway, Alucard manages to hit the Jackal-Man in the head with a rock, but slips into daylight while doing so. Alucard dies and the Jackal-Man returns to being the same sweaty man as he was at the beginning of the film.


  Hours pass.  Ann wakes up.


AS she puts on a dress she finds nearby, she sees Mike laying on the ground.  


The dress comes back off and the two have sex on the pile of rocks. THE END



REVIEW: When an already terrible movie has to redub the entire film from scratch (because the original sound was so poor and didn't line up), it starts to transcend the terrible and enter into the murky waters of train wreck. Add the fact that the film is beyond tasteless, mean spirited, and tacky to the fullest extent of the word, and you now have left the realm of train wreck and entered another realm altogether

But I couldn't have asked for it any other way: gross, perverted, and amusing in its badness. The only complaint is it does get repetitive - as one one woman after another is sent through the same ordeal by Alucard and the lycanthrope. While I admire the alacrity with which they do business, it start to get old.
Otherwise, this is right in the VZ1 wheelhouse.
 
RATING: ★★★★★★★★★☆ 9/10