Treasure (1997)

 

An objectively terrible film from every conceivable measure.  A lawyer has information on the location of buried treasure. She enlists the help of two studs, but they are competing against a family out for the same booty.

1898 and Boody B. Dunk (Daniel Prentice) and his woman (Carla Holmes) celebrate getting the treasure and hiding it away for safekeeping. 

But a rival shoots Boody and his treasure is subsequently lost forever

Mr. Sheridan (John Shank) and his assistant Angus (Ray Raglin) find the treasure map but can't crack the code.  

Lacy Dunk (Lisa Falcone) is Boody's descendent. She believes she has determined where the treasure is located off a Hawaiian shore.

She hires studs Dave Banks (John McQuay) and Serge (Robert Nassry) to help her on this dangerous mission.

But first they'll need to charter a boat. 

Big Jack (Terry Rose) knows about Boody's treasure and wants a cut if he's going to help out.  He and his daughters will also need to come along.

Daughters Angel (Lori Morrissey) and Leilani (Alina Kaley)

And Elvie (Christine Lydon)

They set sail

Serge wastes no time in getting with Angel

Later, Lacey overhears plans that Big Jack and his family will take the treasure for themselves.

Elvie has plans to take care of it herself

She jumps into bed with Dave

Lacy tells Dave and Serge of the family's plan to take the treasure for themselves.  So they escape to the island where the treasure is buried.

Big Jack and his girls follow close behind. Did I mention Jack has a psychotic son named Le Morpion (Roy Hogan)?

Leilani switches sides and has sex with Serge

The most boring cat-and-mouse game goes on forever as they fumble their way to the treasure

Lacy suggests they go back to Hawaii and call it a day.  But Dave and Serge want don't want to give up.

They find where the treasure is buried and dig a hole that must be twenty feet deep.

Serge and Dave are nearly drowned by water rushing into the hole, but Jack helps them out.

They find the gold

Dave and Lacy celebrate

One year later, they're all rich and doing well. 

Lacy discovers that Jack has cleaned up his act and become a director. THE END

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 Holy shit that was terrible.  Big Jack has this fake over-the-top southern accident that is so grating I thought I was going to lose my mind.  Lisa Falcone doesn't get naked until the last five minutes of the movie.. which might be forgivable if she at least provided eye candy up till then.  But no, she basically spends the duration of the film looking like she doesn't want to be there - and who can blame her?  

★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆2/10