The Nude Bomb (1980)

What can you say about an unfunny movie called "The Nude Bomb" featuring actresses Sylvia Krystel and Pamela Hensley... which contains zero nudity? Well, "utter and complete disappointment" comes to mind.

The Nude Bomb is a Get Smart movie, with all of the Get Smart humor extracted and removed.  Imagine if The Naked Gun wasn't funny - if every single rapid fire gag fell completely flat - that would be the Nude Bomb.

Now, I'm a sucker for cornball humor, so don't think I have high standards for comedy.  There is more genuine humor in a single episode of Get Smart than in this entire film.  And it's really a shame because I hate remakes, so can appreciate when a TV show makes the jump to the big screen without being a rehash.  For example, the X -Files movie was just continuation of the series (good); whereas, the Beverly Hillbillies movie was a rehash (bad).  So,  I was fully on board with this movie from the start.... but it only took a few minutes to realize this was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Vittorio Gassman as CHAOS agent Sauvage

CHAOS, as always, has an evil master plan: to launch missiles which will evaporate all the world's fabric - rendering the entire human population nude - and consequently dependent on CHAOS for their clothing.

It's a brilliant idea for a movie - if you're willing to go "all in".  Unfortunately, they are "all out" with this one.  The only nudity comes in the form of a bunch of male butts (after a test launch at a football game and a few other places).  What a missed opportunity for some much needed nudity.  Yeah, I get it - Get Smart was a family friendly sitcom from the 1960s; not exactly R-rated source material.

Don Adams and Sylvia Crystal as Agent 86 and Agent 34

That being said - if you're going to hire Sylvia Kristal and make your movie plot revolve around a  literal nude bomb... perhaps, you should consider going a little risqué.  Just a thought.

From the opening credits.  Starring Sylvia Kristel, but no nudity?... in a movie called the Nude Bomb?

But the movie is fully aware of this sad fact.  It opens with "Would you believe - a picture called The Nude Bomb could get a PG rating"

But enough about the sorely lacking nudity - let's talk about the jokes.  The plot is threadbare - it consists of Agent 86 Maxwell Smart tracking down CHAOS, following one boring lead after another.  You desperately need to bring some humor to the table, since both plot and nudity are missing.  Sadly, not a single gag works in this film - I repeat - NOT ONE!  You would think, statistically, with hundreds of gags being lobbed throughout this film, one of them would land.  No dice.

Don Adams and Dana Elcar - Maxwell Smart and the Chief - deliver the worst jokes you could imagine.  Imagine if Jackie Mason got even less funny - this is that level of humor.

A few highlights: Maxwell engages in a gunfight and chase scene at Universal Studios.  This provides opportunity to see the Pscyho house and some Battlestar Galactica Cylons.  At one point, Maxwell takes a tram full of tourists on a chase, sending the tram straight into the water (where Jaws is located)- delivering the films only real gratuitous cheesecake as a lady emerges from the water in a wet t-shirt.

Max is a total dumbass, and has driven the tour tram into the Jaws lake.

Agent 22 tells all the tourists to jump out of the tram into the water - this is all part of the Ten Commandments ride. Like complete idiots, all the passengers dutifully obey.

Here's a look at the passengers:  A Morgan Freedman-lookin' gentleman, a serial killer in a suit, and a girl about to deliver the film's only eye candy.

Blink and you'll miss the movie's one and only brush with female nudity.  I have no idea who this girl is, but bravo.

Maxwell Smart's assistant agents are Agent 22 (Andrea Howard) and Agent 36 (Pamela Hensley).  I primarily remember Hensley as the sex alien princess from the Buck Rogers TV show - a mega-babe, in the vein of a Catherine Bach.

Agent 22 (Andrea Howard) and Agent 86 (Don Adams)

Pamela Hensley as Agent 36

In one scene, obviously intended for laughs, Agent 36 has crashed at Maxwell's uber-cool bachelor pad.  Of course, Maxwell (evidently an asexual) has declined her and Agent 22's advances... but it looks like a compromising position to Agent 22.  It's. a "Three's Company" brand of humor - the comedy of errors; the compromising position that is supposed to lead to more humor... but sadly does not.

Agent 22 tries to come on to the asexual Maxwell Smart, but is thwarted at every turn.

Agent 36 crashed at Maxwell's pad.  A perfect setup for a situational comedy.. if only the director and writer knew how to make that happen.

Agent 22 unexpectedly returns to find Agent 36 in a bathrobe at Maxwell's place.  In Three's Company, this would have been a riot; in the Nude Bomb, this is stilted and unpleasant.

Tragically, Pamela Hensley is completely under-utilized.  She basically just drops out of the story midway through.  One wonders why they even bothered to have her in the film in the first place.

The chief (Dana Elcar) and Agent 22 (Andrea Howard)

Agent 22 is more in line with the Barbara Feldon character from the original series. Far from being a sex kitten, she's an intelligent, capable woman who provides a stark contrast to the bumbling Agent 86.  I remember Andrea Howard from Thank God It's Friday.  She played an uptight homemaker who goes to a Studio 54 type club and, predictably, discovers her inner wild child.

Agent 22 talks to Agent 13 whose images is displayed in the magazine.  The movie is full of gadgets done poorly.

Andrea Howard provides the centerpiece for what I consider one of the most incredibly cringeworthy scenes in cinema history.  I say this without hyperbole, without a hint of exaggeration.  It is fucking incredible.

Let me set the stage.  Towards the end of the film, Maxwell and Agent 22 head to the secret lair of CHAOS to confront the main baddy - Norman Saint Savauge.

Agent 22 and 86, captive in the secret lair

A fight ensues amid some pretty cool looking retro-computers; then, a paralyzing gas is emitted. Maxwell, who has managed to not breath the fumes, must carry Agent 22 to safety.  But he's just too damn weak and incompetent to make that happen without major league cringe.

He can't properly carry her, and so ends up bobbling and dropping the poor girl all over the place.  But here's the thing - Agent 22 is wearing a red dress... and when you get bobbled in a dress, it can provide some uncomfortable looks up the ol' dress.

How humiliating... and in granny panties no less.

What's worse, this scene goes on and on forever.. and there' not a bit of music.  Just grunts as Maxwell manhandles this poor girl, paralyzed from the waist down.  I'm not sure if this was the director's idea of some last minute cheesecake via an overload of Andrea Howard upskirts... but I kind of doubt it.  Believe it or not, I actually think this scene is in here to provide humor.

But if it was purely for humor, why would they put her in a dress? Surely they knew what would happen when she gets dragged, carried, and tossed around... or maybe this was an ad-lib?  Who knows - but it's simultaneously wonderful and profoundly awkward, making this whole thing worthwhile.

But not quite.  In the end, CHAOS is defeated and the secret lair destroyed. An underwhelming film to say the least.  Clearly audiences weren't impressed either as there were no further Get Smart films (until the adaptation a couple decades later).

Sadly, without a shred of laughs this entire film just falls flat.  And without the "nude", all that's left is "bomb".  Skip this one, folks.

★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆