Med students volunteer to clean up an old orphanage to make it a comfortable foster home; unfortunately, a serial killer puts a wrench into that plan.
The whole intro is a bit of a mess with a doctor named Jerry (
Gary Hays) and a delivery boy (for some reason) are both killed by a slasher.
Jerry had requested some of his med students come to help restore an old house - once an orphanage with a bad history - into a nice home for orphaned children. Three med students drive to the home: Johnny Bellati (
Steven Baio), Mark Armstrong (
Myles O'Brien) and nerd Barney Weiss (
Jerold Pearson).
Barney likes Fangoria - so, he can't be that bad, right?
Also on their way are Connie (
Ashlyn Gere), Jerry's fiancée, and her friend Tina (
Jody Gibson)
This film is primarily notable for featuring
Jody Gibson who would go on to run one of the most successful escort services in the world, and would write "Secrets of a Hollywood Super Madam".
They all arrive at the house
The clean up scene has to be seen to be believed. One of the cheesiest moments in all of cinema as they happily dance around cleaning to a sugary pop song.
They do wonder what happened to Jerry though. Oh well.
Mark and Tina have sex
Barney ruins it by hiding under the bed and grabbing Mark's ass. What a freak. I think I would have sent him packing.
The movie gets into class warfare a bit. Sammy and Betty are entitled
But Johnny thinks the less well-to-do should also have a shot. I think Scott Baio's brother inserted some of his own opinions into the film.
This scene felt like a fever dream. Did they really get visited by the surreally obese Chief Cash (
Hal Shafer) looking for the dead delivery boy?
Connie tells the true story of the manor. The orphanage was run by a guy named Marty who was accused of pedophilia. Unable to deal with the accusation Marty went apeshit and killed the children.
Roger Burns (
Howard Weiss) is trying to get busy with his wife Sadie (
Susan Grant). He's the realtor trying to sell the orphanage. This seems utterly meaningless now, but sadly will fit into the story later.
Barney is such a pussy. He got scared by Connie's story of the house and wants to leave. Thankfully nobody will offer him a ride home.
Sammy and Betty are ready for some kinky sex
When Sammy goes to the kitchen for some whipped cream he runs into Barney who is still freaking out like a goddamn lunatic.
The masked killer whacks both Sammy and Betty
Tina asks Mark to make sure everything is safe before they have sex
Mark gets axed in the hiead right in front of her, but she incomprehensibly thinks this is a joke.
Until the killer finally strangles her to death
Probably the most memorable scene is Johnny getting his head baked in a microwave
Connie winds up being the final girl
She sees Betty and Sammy dead - and also Jerry
The killer is revealed to be Sadie Burns (WTF?) the realtor's wife. She was Marty's mother (huh?). Barney is still alive and shoots Sadie.
It's like the last couple minutes of film and we finally get a nude scene from Connie
(Ashlyn Gere)Connie is attacked by the same masked killer - but Sadie is dead, right?
Turns out it was just an insane joke with Barney wearing the mask. This makes Connie so pissed we see her approach him with a pair of scissors. THE END
Objectively terrible on all counts. The only entertainment comes from marveling at how bad it is, and the motley crew of actors (future Hollywood madam, future porn star, Scott Baio's brother, Merv Griffin's son).
★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆4/10
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