Your Tour Guide Through Cinema Trash (and Treasures)

Sep 30, 2022

The Newlydeads (1988)

 


The spirit of a dead drag queen kills honeymoon couples at a lakeside resort. Truly one of the oddest slasher movies of the eighties.


Jackie (Scott Kaske) the cross-dresser visits a hotel owned by Lloyd Stone (Jimmy Williams)

Things get flirtations, but when Lloyd finds that Jackie is a man, he kills him/her. 

Over a decade later, a couple from the south, Blanche (Rebecca Barrington) and Bull (Michael Springer) are on their way to Lloyd's lakeside hotel.

They make a quick stop to fool around.


Kris (Jean Levine) and Ron (John Henry Richardson) aren't so happily in love.  They do nothing but bicker.  To make matters worse Kris apparently has psychic powers (!) which drives Ron crazy.

Lloyd is getting married to a young hottie Lynda (Roxanna Michaels)

During the ceremony he sees the ghost of Jackie.

Kris and Ron hit the ghost wit their minivan; but Jackie has disappeared

Kris decides she wants to stay at Lloyd's hotel.

While there, they continue to bicker.  Kris is forever stressed with all her psychic premonitions. 

Brenda (Renee Way), for whatever reason, wants to get with this awkward nerd Tim (Doug Jones).

At Lloyd's hotel, they get in the hot tub.


It's Lloyd and Lynda's honeymoon.  She's sad because Lloyd seems distracted (thinking about Jackie's ghost).



Instead of seeing Lynda in bed, Lloyd sees Jackie laughing at him.

He strangles the ghost

But he's actually strangling Lynda.

Brenda and the nerd are making whoopie. 

Jackie sends a rod through the nerd's mouth impaling him and Brenda.

The next morning Lloyd and Kris see the dead bodies through the bedroom window


Lynda is getting out of here.

A punk rocker named Roger (Ron Preston) proposes to Sabina (Michelle Mania) at the lakeside hotel 

The hotel maid (Charla Driver) who always seems to be delivering fruit to guests

An old couple, Marilyn (Jean Lowry) and Mathew (Dick Crawford) are here to renew their vows. 

Bull and Blanche finally arrive


Lynda picks up a hitchhiker who turns out to be Jackie.

Lloyd tells Lynda to calm the fuck down and take a shower



Lloyd joins Lynda in the shower but sees Jackie in her place

He stabs the ghost with a handy knife

Of course he was actually stabbing Lynda to death

Lloyd is beside himself with grief

Jackie appears at his door

Suddenly turning into a woman (Michele Burger) in a bikini

Lloyd can't take it any more and shoots at the ghost

Kris arrives in the nick of time.  Her psychic skills come to the rescue.

Ron sees them with Lyuda, dead and bloody, and gets the hell out of Dodge.

The Minister (Captain Mike) shares a joint with Sabina and Roger. (What is the point of this?)

Blanche lays by the fire

Bull is always drinking beer.

Bull leaves for more bear, and Blanche thinks she hears a noise.

This is normally where the character would be killed by the slasher, but it's a false alarm.

Instead Blanche and Bull live to see another day - for no reason whatsoever.

They run from the ghost of Jackie, and sort of disappear from the film.

Bull does shoot a cop (intending to shoot the ghost)


Kris and Lloyd are finally ready to confront the ghost.



Kris knows how to defeat Jackie.  Since the transvestite ghost slasher wants to go to bed with him... somehow kissing while holding a cross will destroy it.  Um, okay.

Kris ends up dying in the process, with the cross stuck in her gut.

Lloyd is like 'goddamn'

But it works.  Jackie is reduced to a smoldering pile.

It ends with Roger and Sabine deciding to come back to the hotel another time.  Sure, whatever. THE END


Hilariously awful but a lot of fun.  The cross-dressing ghost has got to be the oddest slasher of the eighties. A good slasher film will pace the kills well, making each one count.  This film falls into the surprisingly common trap of waiting too damn long to start the killings, and so ends up a hurried mess.  The maid, the cops, Blanche and Bull, the old couple and the minister, all die or run off and disappear in a frantic few minutes.  

 ★★★★★☆6/10

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