Dec 11, 2021

Video Vixens! (1974)


A TV station manager gets tired of the mamby-pamby programming and wants to offer something for "real men".  So, he hires a porn director to direct a prime time TV program. Featuring a ton of sexploitation all-stars from the day including Sandy Dempsey, Starlyn Simone, Maria Arnold, Angela Carnon, Linda York,Tracy Handfuss, and Terri Johnson,

Gordon Gordon (Philip Luther) reviews movies on TV.

Gordon's shtick is that he condemns smutty movies each and every night.  He is a champion of decency and morals. 

Clifford Bradley (Norman Fields) runs the station and is tired of Gordon's bullshit.  The ratings are last, and he feels that condemning dirty movies each night is turning us all into "unisex hippies". Bradley actually believes it's a government conspiracy and plans to make some serious changes to the station's programming. 

He calls king-of-porn Rex Boorski (George 'Buck' Flower) to come to his office.  You may recognize the tattoo on the actress being prepped - it's none other than Sandy Dempsey

Rex and the Make-Up Man (Con Covert) are putting curlers in the actress' bush.

Any movie that begins with a close-up of Sandy Dempsey's bush in curlers is okay in my book.

Inga (Robyn Hilton) is Rex's beautiful assistant. 

When Rex understands who's calling him, he agrees to come to the station right away.

Inga and Rex arrive at Station WKLITT 

Clifford explains that, "I have a plan.  A plan to save the nation.  To put the polish back in the family jewels." He wants to put sexy adult content on prime time at his station. 

This movie made me realize that Norman Fields is actually a damn good comedic actor.  He was in tons of cheap pornos from years past; who knew he could really act?

Gordon is enjoying a quiet evening with his wife (Angela Carnon)

Yes, Angela Carnon plays his wife.  Wow.  Just blown away by this cast already. 

Rex and Inga arrive unexpectedly at the respectable Gordon household.

Rex delivers the bad news to Gordon Gordon that he'll be running things for their prime time lineup. And it's not going to be the "respectable" content Gordon would approve of.

Mrs. Gordon doesn't know what to think of these uncouth visitors.

In order to keep his job, Gordon Gordon has to host the porno awards. 

The broadcast has a whole new set of sponsors now that they've gone to blue.  The first commercial is for 'Twinkle Twat'.

The spokesperson for the product is none other than Cheryl Smith AKA the late great Rainbeaux Smith.

She sprays it on her cooch. 

No more odors. George Peters is a happy customer.

The winner for best sound is "Wailing Whiplash: A Saga of Milk" starring Starlyn Simone as the housewife.  Holy shit, this film is literally a who's who of early seventies sexploitation.

The milkman (Lydon Longmore) arrives and starts slapping the shit out of her.

He rips off her clothes.

Then spanks her.

Then beats her with a belt as she goes down on him.

They hear the husband coming and quickly try to get presentable.

The husband (Jack King) shows up and doesn't suspect a thing.

Then he knocks her down and does the same thing as the milkman

Another commercial.  A narrator comments on the calloused hands of various workers.

"They are professionals with hard unpleasant hands."

The men are blindfolded and asked to feel a half-naked girl and her diaper. The girl is played by Linda York.... goddamn this is insane - another sexploitation hall-o-famer.

The men are asked if they prefer the feel of the diaper or the naked girl.  They prefer the girl.

The narrator tells us to not be jackoffs in diapers, and get a woman instead. 'Dial-A-Snatch' 

The next winner, for best documentary, is "The Shrink Who Loved Me"

Jacqueline Giroux plays a psychiatric patient.

The psychiatrist (Marius Mazmanian) utters a bunch of psychobabble before raping her.

It's supposed to be funny, with a cooky song playing over it.

Back to the program then a commercial break.

In this commercial, Terri Johnson plays Anita.

Anita complains to her mother that her boyfriend is going to find out she's not a true blonde.

Her mother (Nora Holliday) explains that she's got just the thing.

"Minute Merkin pelvic wigs" 

Anita picks the "Swedish Blonde" 

Anita's big date with Killer (David Orange)

After the date, her mother asks how the merkin worked out.

She shows her mother that Killer liked it so much, he took the whole thing.

Gordon Gordon announces the next winner "Stag Film Director: The Great Deceiver", which is a film by Rex.

The film shows Rex convincing an actress, Virginia (Jacqueline Giroux), to go against her principles and get naked and have sex on film.

Rex spreads Virginia's legs, ready for her first sex scene.

Rex brags after it's done, but Virginia has strong words for him...

Virginia says she was acting the whole time and Rex shrugs to the camera.

The next commercial begins withHeather Vale and all-star Tracy Handfuss as repressed Victorians.

Suddenly we see Handfuss naked jumping into a pool. "You've come a long way ladies"... another joke that younger people might not get the reference.

Heather Vale splashes around and we learn what this product is...

She tosses a dildo into the air.

"Kentucky Dildo"

The next winner is a Dragnet spoof.  Two straight-talking police detectives interview a rape victim.

The rape victim (Gil) has her boob hanging out.

Joe (Steve Wall) and his partner politely ask her to cover up her breast.

She tries to, but it just makes it worse.

Maria Arnold plays the next rape victim interviewed by Joe.

She describes the rape incident.  A man exposes himself then tears off her clothes.

It's a ghoulish statistic to think about, but which sexploitation star has been raped the most?  Easily Maria Lease in the sixties and early seventies, but I think Maria Arnold wins at least second place.

The Turnip Twins (Lenny Scorpio and Bernie Scorpio) are finally apprehended.

The next commercial features two women chained up in a dungeon: Claudine (Kimberly Hyde) and Diana (Celenthia Monett

The narrator announces "Passion Cologne and Bath Oil brings out the beast in men"

"We've let convicted rapist Luther Grady alone in the dungeon with the two girls. Let's watch what happens."

Luther Grady (Phillip Simms) inspects Claudine who wears the more expensive cologne and is better looking.

Next, he inspects Diana, who isn't as good looking but is wearing "Passion Cologne"

He chooses Diana and rapes her on the hay.

Score another for Passion Cologne. 

Mrs. Gordon waits for Gordon Gordon to return home from work.

Gordon Jr. (Keith Luckett) castigates his father for peddling smut on television.

This craziness has brought out the animal in Gordon Gordon who says he's going to fuck the hell out of his wife.

And so he does, with Angela Carnon providing a great scene.

It's all done in Benny Hill fast-mo, but who cares. 

Rex and Inga have to field questions from the press after the historic evening of television.

And we finally get to see Robyn Hilton's boobs. What a perfect ending.

Well, I thought this was fucking brilliant.  A ton of nudity from so many sexploitation actresses, and some genuinely funny moments.  It's main problem is that most of the skits and jokes revolve around rape, which I'd imagine doesn't translate well to today's values. I also wish the debut of smutty television wasn't just an adult film awards show, but rather a TV lineup. We could be introduced to sleazy sitcoms, dramas, variety shows, news, etc. Oh well, it was still a lot of fun.


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