Vampire of the Titanic (1999)

 

(Original Title:TITanic 2000: Vampire of the Titanic) A new Titanic sets sail, but there's a vampire on board.  Starring Tammy Parks and Tina Krause.

Vladamina (Tammy Parks) the vampire

Vladamina gets it on with a Transylvanian girl (Suzanne Lenore).

She bites the girl's neck.

Woops.  The girl dies. This always happens.  

Her humble servants Eegor (Michael R. Thomas) and Mareem (Jacob Bogert) are disappointed.  Eegor suggests they go to America.

Every time Vladamina finds a girl to fall in love with, the girl never survives the neck bite.  One day, she'll find her true love and they can live happily as vampire lovers.

Not this time, though.

The launch of the TITanic is announced across the land.

The ship's crew.

This CGI is still better than The Eternals CGI.

Captain Skimmer (Michael R. Thomas)

The control room (this film is full of cheesy humor)

The crew, including the sexy party girl (Paige Turner) are celebrating its maiden voyage.

Little do they know, Vladamina is aboard - asleep in her casket below deck.

She awakes!

Passengers Shari O'Kari (Tina Krause), a much abused groupie, and rock star Glitter Bolan (John Paul Fedele).

Shari wants to have fun in their cabin...

But Glitter is too dumb and self-obsessed to even know she's there.

Vladamina steps out of her coffin.

One of the ship's mechanics watches with rapt attention.

Eegor and Mareem watch as well. 

Then she sucks his blood.

Shari takes a shower.

She wants to wear something sexy for Glitter.

But Glitter, as usual, ain't interested. 

Shari climbs into bed to try and spark his attention.

No luck.  Poor Sheri gets up and leaves.

A painter sees Shari standing sadly at the rail.

He says he wants to paint her.

Sheri agrees and goes to his cabin to pose for him.

Hours go by as the painter captures his nude model.

Sheri loses patience and has a look.  She sees it's just a stick figure. The painter admits he's just a house painter.

Sheri is disgusted and leaves.

As she puts on her clothes, she's being watched...

Vladamina is captured by the girl's beauty, and must have her.

A big party with a musical performance by Glitter.

Misty Mundae makes a cameo as Glitter's number one fan, and the bass player for his backup band. Also, William Hellfire is the guitarist.

Meanwhile, Vladamina takes Sheri to a back room...

Vladamina has Sheri watch her make love to a hot woman (Jasi Cotton Lanier)

But when Vladamina bites the woman's neck, she dies.

Vladamina offers Sheri the opportunity to get bitten.

But looking at the dead woman, the idea doesn't seem too appealing. 

Vladamina is attacked.

The attack doesn't hurt Vladamina, but it does punch a hole in the aluminum hull. 

The TITanic is sinking!

Vladamina and Eegor search for Sheri as the ship goes under.

Vladamina finds Sheri and shows her the way out - but they'll have to swim (and shed their clothes).

They make it.

Sheri lets Vladamina bite her neck.

She doesn't die.  Vladamina finally has a vampire lover. THE END

If their goal was to make a cheesy stupid movie with lots of sex appeal, mission accomplished. The jokes are so bad it is almost unwatchable, but is easily redeemed with a supply of copious nudity.

★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆5/10