VIDEO ZETA ONE: Malibu Express (1985)

The film that really set the template for the Sidaris film - basically action films populated with Playmates - the so-called "Triple B" movies. [We've covered all of Sidaris' Triple B flicks on VZ1 - see the list at the bottom of this review.]

Superstud Private Eye Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton)

Rodney (Jeanine Vargas) the photographer and June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier) a race car driver

Cody goes to the locker room with June.

The late great Lynda Wiesmeier

It's a Sidaris movie, so of course he drives a cool car.

Cody gets in trouble for his junky houseboat, the Malibu Express.

His neighbors Faye (Kimberly McArthur) the blonde, and May (Barbara Edwards) the brunette

They pay Cody a visit saying,"I understand you're a private investigator... and we want to know if you'll investigate our privates."

They take a shower.

Unfortunately, Cody has important business to attend to.

Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning)

She's informed the Russians are stealing our computer technology. The source has been tracked to the home of a rich family, the Chamberlains. Luciana is tasked with getting Cody to take this case and stay with the Chamberlains.

Luciana wears a special dress for a night out with Cody.

There's a recurring (and unbearable) feud with the nitwit family the Buffingtons (Abb Dickson, Busty O'Shea, and Randy Rudy). This makes anything in Cannonball Run seem erudite.

Cody is introduced to Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantine)

Her niece Anita Chamberlain (Shelley Taylor Morgan) has just finished having sex with the butler, Shane (Brett Baxter Clark)

Anita is just one of many among the Chamberlains who seems a likely suspect.

Anita is constantly getting pounded by Shane.

Shelley Taylor Morgan was pretty popular in the eighties - with regular roles on Hunter, General Hospital and Days of Our Lives. She's appeared on Archie Bunker's Place and Tales from the Crypt.

Anita's husband Stuart Chamberlain (Michael A. Andrews), Lillian's nephew, is described as "light in his loafers". Indeed he is a cross-dresser - one of the many connections to Sidaris' earlier film Stacy (1973).

Cody goes to the gym.

He's there with his main squeeze, Sgt. Beverly McAfee (Lori Sutton).

Liza Chamberlain (Lorraine Michaels)

Maid Marian (Robyn Hilton) serves Cody and Liza

Liza holds a secret

While she was in the shower, Shane barged in and basically raped her.

Of course, she eventually gets into it.

Afterwards, Shane reveals he's taken pictures to be used as blackmail.

Liza is seeing Johnathan Harper (Les Steinmetz) a computer magnate. Cody is instantly suspicious.

Cody is pursued by bumbling thug Matthew (Art Metrano) and his musclebound goons.

Anita wants more of what Shane's got.

Shane is recording their sexual encounters on video for blackmail purposes.

Shane owes money to Dick (Skip Ward)

Dick's Masseuse (Shanna McCullough)

A swank party hosted by the Chamberlains.

Luciana wears her standard attire.

The next day, Luciana and Cody discover that Shane has been murdered.

Cody asks the answering service girl (Ruth Stamer) to connect him to the station to report the murder.

The answering service girl has the hots for Cody and rubs her breast.

Beverly (Lori Sutton) and Lieutenant Arledge (John Alderman) arrive

The Chamberlain family is gathered for questioning regarding Shane's murder.

Cody and Beverly have sex.

They don't realize that the goons have invaded the home.

Cody and Beverly are ready for them.

Beverly chases them through the house wearing only a wet t-shirt and panties.

Afterwards they discuss the case and size up the suspects.

Back on the Malibu Express, Cody is visited by Faye and May.

Again, Cody connects to the answering service girl (Ruth Stamer)

Maid Marian (Robyn Hilton) splits for Tijuana

Cody returns to June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier) at her race track.

They are pursued by the goons.

Cody drives June's race car while they're chased by Matthew in the helicopter.

June shows him her boobs.

Hitchhiking, June shows her boobs again in order to get a ride.

The driver is actually Andy Sidaris

Beverly has her wounds tended to.

Cody arrests Liza and Johnathan, her computer magnate boyfriend.

Note that, at Johnathan's party, the topless dancer is Eddie Surkin who was a successful special effects coordinator whose credits include Texas Chainsaw 2, Jaws 2 and Escape from New York.

But it wasn't Liza and Johnathan at all. Aboard the Malibu Express, Cody tells how he finally figured out the true criminal.

He explains that the epiphany came to him when Peggy (Peggy Ann Filsinger) mentioned something about pictures... this sends him down a rabbit hole and determines that Luciana is actually Shane's killer.

This explanation takes like ten fucking minutes! When it's all done, the Chamberlains are grateful for his services and they have a toast.

It ends with Luciana in Hawaii. She requests Cody come visit her. Evidently she's part of the government espionage agency and not a "bad guy" after all. Whatever. THE END

With tons and tons of boobs, this should have been great. However, it gets bogged down in this horribly cliched story, that it ends up being a series of boring parts interrupted by a welcome display of breasts. Sidaris would up his game in terms of the action (the gadgets, the cool cars, the violence) and improve off this template. Regardless of its lame story and unbearable exposition at the end, it should get props for being the first of this much imitated brand.

★★★★★★☆☆☆☆6/10

Malibu Express (1985)

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Picasso Trigger (1988)

Savage Beach (1989)

Guns (1990)

Do or Die (1991)

Hard Hunted (1992)

Fit to Kill (1992)

Enemy Gold (1993)

The Dallas Connection (1994)

Day of the Warrior (1996)