Sep 16, 2021

Taxi Dancers (1994)

 


Spoiler alert, one of the worst movies I've ever seen.  First of all, a movie about taxi dancers... really?  If you don't know what they are - they are employed at dance halls/cabarets and get paid to dance.  It was popular in the early 20th century, but has largely died out.  There were a million movies which chronicled the lives of strippers during the nineties, so maybe they wanted to be different.... well it's different alright, in the worst ways imaginable. 



Billie (Brittany McCrena) arrives from a small midwest town to make it in the big city.  How many times have we seen this?  This is basically a repository for every film cliche ever devised. 

She goes to work at the Shark Club as a taxi dancer.

Miguelito (Robert Miano) is the cocky owner.

Other taxi dancers: Candy (Michele Hess) the bimbo and Sparkle (Josie Boyd) the crack head.

Billie tries to fit in with the other taxi dancers.  What gets me is that this is played like they're strippers.  They're fucking not.  They're taxi dancers for chrissakes.  There's no danger, no eroticsim, nothing of interest whatsoever.  Being a waitress is much more demanding.

Sparkle turns to drink.  Life spent lounging around a cabaret and dancing from time to time can be rough.

Sparkle owes drug dealers some money.

Billie's first day on the job.  No stripping, just kinda sittin' around.

Billie's character is annoying as fuck.  Cocky and bubbly to the nth degree.

Star (Tina Fite) is another taxi dancer (who for some reason, like Sparkle, felt inclined to take a stripper name). She has a think southern accent that hurts the ears.

Star lets Billie stay at her place and they become friends.

Billie meets Bobby (Randall Lee Irwin) the pizza boy.  If you thought Billie was annoying, wait until you meet Bobby.  

Billie and Star notice Sparkle doing crack.

You go girl.

Billie crashes at Star's place.

Time to get undressed.

The one and only redeeming quality about this film is you get to see Brittany McCrena's boobs a few times.

Billie meets Diamond Jim (Sonny Landham).

Diamond Jim is a caricature of a Texas guy; there's no human being on earth that acts like this.

Candy and her dance partner, a lawyer.  Again, why the names?  They're not strippers, not prostitutes, not porn stars... 

Billie & Bobby.

Brittany McCrena's boobs make another appearance. 


Miguelito catches them and says, "Hey pissant, what the fuck you think you're doing? You want me to lose my cabaret license? What are you some kinda degenerate? Jo Jo, kick this kid's butt outta here."  Miguelito is the only character in this film that I didn't hate.

Diamond Jim gives Billie an expensive ring... because he's an idiot.

The drug dealers find Sparkle passed out from crack on the floor.  They are able to get information from her in order to get at Diamond Jim.

Miguelito tells them to get the hell out.

Billie has sex with Bobby in the back of his rape van.

Oh, what a hard life.  The life of a taxi dancer.

Sparkle overdoses on crack.

The drug dealers pounce: they grab Billie because they know Diamond Jim has a thing for her.



Diamond Jim wins this round.

Lowisa (LeOnna Small) finds Sparkle dead from a crack overdose.


She gets Jo Jo (Russ Landery) the bouncer who always had an affection for her.

Things escalate, with Diamond Jim getting shot.

Billie leaves this scene to live with Bobby in his rape van.

Lamest epilogue ever.  A new girl (Debra Cantrell) comes to the Shark Club looking for a job.  Candy, now looking worn and world weary, tells her to look elsewhere.  As if it's such a hard life being a taxi dancer, she couldn't handle it.  Gimme a break.


Two stars, one for each of Brittany McCrena's boobs.  

★★☆☆☆☆2/10

2 comments:

  1. Geez, this was awful! Woeful lack of continuity, never mind the horrid acting and a boom mike appearance. I think some of the ladies were doing more than dancing with the costumers. Candy's lawyer said he wasn't one of her tricks, when defending her on a vice charge. They also agreed that she would pay him with sex. Also, Sparkle probably didn't make that $700 to pay her dealer just by dancing, when Billie made $48 her first night. There's got to be a reason Star bought all those condoms as well. Just sayin'.

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    1. First a tiny correction: the $700 was what Candy owed her lawyer, still paid for with sex. How much Sparkle had to pay her dealer isn't stated, but his response of 'You're a good pussy.' might indicate how she got the cash.

      Taxi Dance clubs were still a thing in LA in the '90's according to this article.
      https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1990-07-15-tm-549-story.html Some elements in the film are take directly from it.

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