Sep 4, 2021

Professional Masseuses (1976)

 


(Original Title: As Massagistas Profissionais) A batshit insane Brazilian sex comedy about... well it's a little hard to say, other than a lot of running around and boobs.



Dr. Jacinto Brochard (Fernando José) is the half-blind, half-mad owner of the "Mãos de Ouro" massage clinic in Rio de Janeiro.

He fires a blonde (Marta Anderson) and her partner for fooling around with the customers.

Berta (Tutu Guimarães) and Virgem (Wilza Carla) are milking champions from way out in the country.  They are the unlikely replacements for the two hot masseuses.

They come to stay at a pension owned by Maria (Lícia Magna), and they meet Duda (Edson Rabello), a womanizer.
  
Coming to stay at the pension is Fung Ku (Amândio), a karate teacher, and his quiet obedient wife Gafanha (Fátima Leite).
 
Gafanha is not allowed to speak or make eye contact... but her robe is always wide open.

Duda sure notices.

He wastes no time getting Gafanha in the sack.

Florindo Bocão (Hugo Bidet) is the flamboyantly gay assistant to Brochard at the Mãos de Ouro. 

He shows Berta around.

Of course it always ends up flailing-around silliness with these two.

We're introduced to Mara (Iara Stein) and her older sugar daddy, Artur (Moacyr Deriquém)

Mara invites friends over and they play strip poker


Artur just hangs out on the sidelines with his Chihuahua, feeling left out. 

Fung Ku and the silent Gafanha at the dinner table 



Duda makes a grab for the behind of the pension maid, Julieta (? actress).


Virgem and Berta go to the beach where they're laughed at.

Gafanha is caught getting banged by Duda and sneaks out the window.

Duda runs from Fung Ku - molesting Julieta along the way.

Duda hides under the noses of Débora (Marta Moyano) and Rosa (Adele Fátima) who work at the Mãos de Ouro massage clinic.

Débora at the clinic, getting absolutely manhandled.

You may remember Adele Fátima as the Brazilian Snow White in Histórias Que Nossas Babás Não Contavam (1979).

Duda, upon hiding at the clinic gets hired by the half-blind Brochard as a masseuse. 

A bit troubling.  Fung Ku punishes Gafanha by tying her up and making her stay upside down.


Berta and Virgem catch Duda in bed with Rosa .  The two bumpkins are a constant thorn in Duda's side.

Duda takes his turn with Julieta.

Then Débora

Poor Berta thinks she's got a shot with Duda.  It does happen, but it's by force.

Artur and Mara straighten things out.

Duda goes for another round with Débora and Rosa.

Again, he's interrupted by the comedic ladies.

Julieta is brought into the room, and the Wedding March is played.

Her wedding dress is removed and they do it right there. THE END


The movie gets so weird at times that it feels like a bad dream.  I couldn't take my eyes off it - such a bizarre energy, and with boobs a'plenty. The biggest downside is Virgem and Berta who are supposed to be the central source of comedy, and I found them intolerably unfunny.

 ★★★★★☆6/10

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