One Million AC/DC (1969)

 

An Ed Wood Jr. caveman sex movie - how can we resist?  

Prehistoric man

A virgin (Lesley Conners) is prepared for sacrifice.

The fat elder chieftain and his cave-wench watch the sacrifice.

Olaf (Gary Kent) and Marla (Maria Lease) also observe

Olaf and Marla are the two main characters. They talk normally in English, which is ridiculous because the cavemen mostly speak in standard caveman grunts.  There is innumerable factual problems (such as dinosaurs living at the same time as humans), but I can get past them easily.  But for some reason the fact that they speak the King's English one minute and grunts the next is really hard to get past!

Anyway, back to the virgin (Lesley Conners) being sacrificed.  And by "sacrificed" I guess they mean shoving a stick up her vagina because that's what happens.

I shouldn't devote too much time to this virgin "sacrifice" business, but it quite literally takes up the first quarter of the movie! I guess Lesley Conners really is the true star of the film.

On and on it goes. Like we're twenty minutes into this film.

Then she's gang banged.

After she's been violated by a stick and various cavemen, a cavegirl (Justine D'Ore)  says, "Now I must cleanse you.  It's the tradition."

Yeah, don't take this film too seriously.  It's played as tongue-in-cheek and campy as possible.

The cave people are ravaged by a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

It gobbles up one of the cavegirls. 

Marla recoils in horror.

Mia (? actress) is out picking grapes

Mia is abducted by a gorilla.

Throughout the film, Mia tries to escape but the gorilla pulls her back into the cave and presumably rapes her.

I've said this a hundred times, if Maria Lease is in the movie, the question isn't whether she'll be raped, it's how many times. Having watched thousands of these B-movies, I think I'm qualified to say that Maria Lease has been raped on film more than any (non porno) actress.  It's absolutely insane - and starting to be kinda ridiculous.

Olaf arrives and fights her rapist.

Olaf sends his spear through the attacker's chest.

The sacrificial virgin and her lesbian lover (Lesley Conners and Justine D'Ore) hear the T. rex approach.

But they've found a smooth stick to play with, so who cares.

A caveman has sex with Luga (? actress)

Another cavegirl arrives and wants to take her turn.

A cavegirl (Antoinette Maynard) drinks water from a stream.

A blonde caveman (Walt Phillips) pursues her.

She runs from him through the fields.

He finally rapes her in the grass.  I love how cavegirls wore eye shadow and mascara

She escapes and runs away again.

Again, he catches up to her.

The cave folk have a big celebration with food and sex.

Marla and Luga fight over Olaf.

Una (? actress) has sex among the stalactites 

This may be my favorite part of the movie.  It's a joke that's delivered like it's on Laugh-In.

Caveman: "That's a terrific outfit you have on. What is it, wild fox?"

Cavegirl: "No, beaver."

It ends with Olaf killing the T. rex. The clan celebrates.  The gorilla brings Mia home.

The chieftain ends the film with a saying about how nothing ever changes - men will always hunt and have sex (or something like that).

It could have been oh-so lame, but Ed Wood Jr. sprinkles it with his trademark pixie dust and it becomes a lot of fun. It's refreshing to see such cheesy unpolished ineptitude, although some will find the twenty minute rape scene a bit much.

★★★★★★☆☆☆☆6/10