Sep 22, 2021

Crime and Passion (1999)

 


A miserably awful movie about the daughter of a drug cartel kingpin who is kidnapped.  The crime boss sends his top hitman to retrieve her. 


Maria Carrin (Lauren Hays) is the daughter of a drug lord south of the border.

Tony Carrin (Wally Waggert), her father, is a violent psychopath

This is easily the best scene in the movie.  Tony is torturing a guy named Wayne.  Finally he brings in the executioner... and it's Wayne's wife!

Wayne's wife, Marge (Linda O'Neil), strips then proceeds to murder her husband. All the while, Tony is laughing maniacally. 






Maria is kidnapped by Alexis (Nikki Fritz

...and Pauline (LoriDawn Messuri).

Maria hates her father and has no problem hiding out with these two ex-strippers.

Crazy Tony pays a hitman to retrieve his daughter.

Maria flashes back, thinking of when a hitman was rewarded by her father with a hot babe (Kimber Lynn).





Maria herself was asked to serve as a reward for the hitman.

Maria takes a shower of sorts.


Then she takes a bath.

Well, at least we know she's really clean.

Maria and Alexis play pool and drink tequila. 


The arrival of Michael (Brad Bartram), Tony's hitman sent to get Maria.

Michael stays with them.  He helps Pauline after she's had too much tequila.

Alexis and Maria take a shower.




Michael and Pauline get intimate....


For some reason they decide to film the sex scene with terrible lighting. Like, the lighting was fine.. until it was time to have sex.

I'll bitch about this more later, but it is cringey how hard this film tries to be like a Tarantino flick. Anyway, Pauline and Alexis are onto Michael's game.  But it turns out he's on their side, and they'll go after Tony together. 

Their house is attacked by other hitmen who are pitifully easy to take out.

Alexis and Maria having tequila drenched sex


They storm Tony's place, but have to contend with Marge (remember her?)

She's pretty easy to take out as well.

Worst Mexican standoff ending ever. Tarantino - look what you have wrought!

Michael is killed, the three ladies ride away in their Beach Barbie jeep. THE END


I fucking hated this.  If you've been following VZ1, you know a story-less piece-of-shit movie with tons of nudity is right up my alley.  Hell, I actually prefer these films to skimp on story. And I could give a flying fuck about bad acting.  So, you'd think a movie like this would be a-ok.  Well, you'd be wrong.

I think they sincerely believed they were making a Tarantino level film; complete with a nonlinear story and overly self-aware dialog. The banter is incessant, to the point where it just sounded like white noise.  I have no clue what fifty percent of this movie is about. Sure, we do get a respectable amount of nudity, but it looks like pages from Playboy.  But at least with the magazine you don't have to listen to this dreadful dialog. Damn this was awful.

★★☆☆☆☆2/10

2 comments:

  1. Could you name any 90s flick except for blood games that you rated 7 or a 8? Not 6
    I mean most of 90s stuff are bad so wanted to know if you liked any

    ReplyDelete