Sep 24, 2021

Bedside Sailors (1976)


(Original Title: Sømænd på sengekanten) The last in the Danish "Bedside" (Mazurka) series.  The Danish sex comedies (Mazurka and the Astrology collection) have always been a point of fascination. They were what we dreamed porno would be in the US: big budget, well made, starring legitimate stars of the day, and could stand on their own without the sex. 

Disa (Anne Bie Warburg) and Peter (Ole Søltoft) work at a shoe store.  Peter is nice, but perhaps a little too timid and innocent.

Ulla (Alice Westerling) gets humped in the storeroom, and Peter tries to pretend he doesn't see as he retrieves shoes.

Disa gets molested by her boss (Ryddy Nyegaard

Disa pushes him, the shelves of shoes go crashing down, and she's fired.

Disa goes to a bar to drown her sorrows and meets Georg Hansen (Bent Warburg)

They go back to her place and have sex.

After sex, Disa fixes a drink for Georg and herself.

They have a talk about gender equality.  Disa insists that she can do whatever job Georg can do.

Georg has stomach pains and is carted off to the hospital.

Disa, disguised as a male, uses Georg's credentials to work on a ship. The Captain (Karl Stegger) admits Disa aboard.

Disa works as a machinist's assistant below deck.

You would think we would now be in for all manner of comedic tomfoolery surrounding Disa's secret identity.  The comedic situation has been set up - let the gags fly.  But no, for whatever reason, it loses steam and just becomes boring as hell.

Even when a porno is brought in for entertainment, it still is full of yawns.

It actually becomes a musical of sorts, with the cook (Finn Tavbe) singing away, as do all the shipmates. Ugh.

Disa has to keep a bandage over her breasts to avoid suspicion. 

Miss Nielsen (Annie Birgit Garde) is the shipowner's secretary.  I love this actress; she's in all these films.  In this film, the dowdy woman has pent-up sexual desires, resulting in her picturing all the men she sees as being naked.

Shore leave in Copenhagen.

Disa and the boys find a seedy club to let off some steam.

The house band

Back on the ship, a sailor sneaks into Disa's bunk and reaches down her pants.  Her gender is discovered, but the sailor dare not tell how he came about finding out.

Tracking down Disa, Peter stows away on the ship.

On shore leave, Willy (Søren Strømberg) comes home to find his wife cheating on him.

Willy isn't exactly forgiving of Nina (Lisbeth Olsen).

Willy packs Nina in a trunk and stows her aboard the ship.

He then has every shipmate take turns fucking her!

When it's Disa's turn, she cleans up the poor woman... and they have sex.

Miss Nielsen is aboard and ready to let her hair down with Georg.  Hoping for some nudity from Annie Birgit Garde, but no such luck.

And so it all culminates in this one room. Willy and Nina are back together, and Georg and Ms. Nielsen are an item, as are Disa and Peter.
Best of all, the Captain agrees to allow female sailors. THE END

What a bitter disappointment. Perhaps it's best that the Mazurka films ends here, as it seems to have lost its mojo.  The impressive production values, quality acting and skilled direction is still here - but it feels phoned-in.  There is hardcore sex, but it's almost all body doubles or irrelevant characters (such as the prostitutes in the Copenhagen club). It's really not ever funny, Ole Søltoft is missing for most of the run time, and Disa's disguise, the center point of the movie, is barely used as comedic device. Abysmal.


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