Your Tour Guide Through Cinema Trash (and Treasures)

Jun 3, 2021

Don't F*** in the Woods (2016)

 


I don't necessarily want them to put the slasher genre to rest, but at least come up with something new. I feel like Wes Craven fucked everything up by making the genre so self-referential.  What followed was an endless parade of self-conscious slasher films.  This movie thankfully forgoes the self-awareness, but adds nothing whatsoever to the genre except for a title which is basically click-bait for streaming sites. 



Meg (Brandy Mason) and Luke (Scott Gillespie) are drinking beer and camping. Note that Gillespie also plays the Creature in this film.

Meg takes her top off and dances for Luke.


The Creature strikes and Meg is killed.

We don't get a good look at the Creature yet; and it's too dark for a good gore scene.

Macv (Roman Jossart) is a fat stoner who works at a small video rental store. Usually the fat "comic relief" guy in these slasher films is unbearably annoying, but I kind of liked Macy.

His two friends are Jane (Brittany Blanton) and Alex (Ayse Howard), a lesbian couple.

Alex has family problems with a brother that keeps calling her for money.  She also doesn't want to go camping but is coaxed into it by Jane.

Jane wakes up and we see her topless; the only nude scene from Brittany Blanton in this movie.

Macy has a wet dream about Jane and Alex.  In his dream, their hair is teased and they're bimbos.

Macy is a plumber; his dream plays out like a porno, but is unfortunately interrupted before he can get to the good stuff.

And so they head out to the camp site: Parker (Hannah Herdt), the nerd girl who does all the self-referential slasher bullshit in this film, Macy, Alex and Jane.

Also part of their camping group is cheerleader Lacey (Nadia White) and her jock boyfriend Conor (Brian Cornell)

Well, we literally are halfway through the movie, with not much happening.  Just a bunch of folks talking and whatnot. (yawn)

We see Lacey with her top off, but that's about the only thing of interest.

Later, her and Conor have sex in their tent.

The Creature kills them, and we see a bit of gore.  Evidently the Creature is attracted to sex - hence the stupid title.

Ales has to go pee. (Uh-oh)

While she's pulling up her panties, the Creature creeps up behind her - and we finally get a good look at it.  Pretty lousy if you ask me.

Alex is attacked and knocked-out.

Macy and Jane find Alex who's badly injured.


Alex dies.

Jane suddenly becomes a badass, and the next ten minutes are her fighting the Creature in the dark, so you can barely tell what the fuck is going on.  She ultimately is able to kill it by blowing it up. THE END

A certain amount of responsibility goes with having a title like this.  You're setting expectations high that this is going to be a sleazefest.  Instead, you have the same amount of nudity that's in Kramer vs. Kramer. What a joke.  We've removed a ton of great slasher films on this site, and this ain't one of them. If you want a slasher-in-the-woods movie, go watch Doom Asylum or The Burning instead.

★★☆☆☆☆2/10

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