Jul 3, 2020

Don't Touch My Dick, It Irritates Me (1983)


(Original Title: No me toques el pito que me irrito) A Spanish erotic comedy about a sexologist who's great at giving advice to his patients, but his own sex life is a hot mess.


 Casimiro Berga (Carles Velat) is a renowned sex therapist.

Cloti (Emma Quer) is his wife, who is great at getting him aroused, but never actually puts out.

Sexually frustrated, Casimiro follows some ladies on the way to work. 

 Upon entering the office, he runs into his nurse.


 Diana (Diana Conca) is his nurse, and she desperately wants to have sex with Casimiro.


 He can't help but give in, but soon regains his composure.

Casimiro's first patient of the day is a porn director.

 On the set: the blond on the left (Patricia Cauzard), the short haired brunette on the right (Olga Rodríguez)


They run into problems when their male actor Roberto (Miguel Avilés) can't perform.
  
 I'll just say there's an inappropriate gay joke here and leave it at that.
  
Patricia Cauzard really supplies some explicit nudity in this film.

They're back in action.




 Casimiro's answer to his sex problem is to perform in the pornos himself.

 Next patient.

Adela (Bárbara Ben) is a rich married woman.

She has sex with this young dude that likes it especially rough.


 Of course, Casimiro always has the perfect solution.

His wife Cloti (Emma Quer) calls him at work.

As always, she's hot and bothered.


Casimiro's next patient (Llorenç Torres) tells him about a particularly interesting poker game.

 There's all these women around, and he can't concentrate on the game. 

No idea who any of the actresses are in this poker scene.


 Basically this whole story amounts to the patient looking around at these ladies and is unable to play.



Holy smokes.

 And so it ends.  Back to the doctor's office...


Diana (Diana Conca) is back to laying on the temptation.


 They're interrupted by a knock at the door. 

 It's Cloti, here to give some afternoon delight.

They're interrupted by his next patient (Josep Lluís Fonoll).


His problem is that his dick is too big.  So big that Diana, who is still hiding, faints.

The man describes how he was once happily married, but they waited until their wedding night to have sex.

Cati (Andrea Albani) gets ready to consummate the marriage.

But his dick is so big, it sends her to the hospital.

So, he marries a woman,  Conchi  (Montserrat Miralles), with a bigger vagina.

It doesn't send her to the hospital, but it does get stuck.

Diana flirts with Casimiro again when the next patient arrives.

Señorita Chichi (Carmen Serret)

Going to a party with her husband, she becomes enamored with the fur coats of other guests.

She tries on the coats and flirts with the bumbling coat check guy.

She keeps teasing the cloakroom attendant.  It's a stupid story, actually.

They go back to his place.


Casimiro does a purely scientific test on Chichi.


As always, he develops the perfect solution to her problem.

In the end, everyone has their sexual problems solved except the doctor himself.



While it was crammed with tons of nudity, I wasn't really on board with this one.  It's primary problem is that each story is just so unfunny and lame.  Maybe Spanish audiences were rolling in the aisles in 1983, but I just found this a chore to watch, even with all the nudity... and that's saying something.

Double Feature: We've seen these sex therapist stories a million times [Lust Sessions (2008), The Healers (1972), Dirty Doctor Deviate (1970)], even one with Carles Velat as the sexologist [En Busca del Polvo Perdido (1982)], which I supposed this could be considered a sequel to. 
★☆

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