The Girls Next Door (1978)

Everybody knows James Hong from his roles in Blade Runner and Big Trouble in Little China, The Golden Child, Revenge of the Nerds II, etc.; the guy's been in everything. Well, in 1978 he decided to try his hand at directing a teen sex comedy of all things. He didn't direct again for eleven years.

CHARACTERS

• Carol Hill (Kirsten Baker)
• Neeley Carter (Leslie Cederquist), Carol's friend
• De De (Lee Ann Barnes)
• Hotrod (Rick Singer), Neeley's boyfriend
• Terry Davis (Perry Lang), Carol's boyfriend
• Mrs. Hill (Dalene Young), Carol's mother
• Mr. Hill (Stan Kamber), Carol's father
• Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin), Carol's trainer
• Officer Turner (Michael Heit), Neeley's trainer
• Dustin (Michael Sloane), Carol's neighbor
• The plumber (George Buck Flower)

RATING: ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 7/10

REVIEW: Well it's packed with some of the most insensitive comedy you can imagine: making fun of mentally handicapped, a grade school rape gang, and the hilarity of a drunken mother. Some of the comedy lands, some of it is a stone cold miss.

This reminds me a good deal of Better Off Dead; in fact, you can't tell me Savage Steve Holland wasn't inspired by this. You have the same effed-up family life, same style of humor and surreal tone - there's even a scene with a fat girl that is just like the Dan Schneider character But I suspect the film didn't do well primarily due to the disjointed story... .I mean, if it was a Police Academy story, then they should have centered on that. But the police volunteer work doesn't figure much into it. Worst of all is the wedding to Dustin - audiences had to be shaking their heads. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a lot of fun; I'm glad I watched it - grade school rape gang and all.

SYNOPSIS

Carol Hill (Kirsten Baker) and Neeley Carter (Leslie Cederquist) have decided to be volunteers at the local police department as part of the "Explorers" program. Their first day on the job; Neely is used as a model for the Heimlich Maneuver. [This could have been much funnier. Opportunity lost.] De De (Lee Ann Barnes) shows up to the garage of Hotrod (Rick Singer) to hit on his friend Terry Davis (Perry Lang). Terry is going out with Carol, and Hotrod is going out with Neely. De De wears super short hotpants and takes her top off. Terry can't resist the temptation. But Carol and Neely show up unexpectedly and Terry has to throw De De into the trunk to hide her. Neely suggests they go for a ride in Hotrod's muscle car. You can tell by Terry's worried look that may be a bad idea. As they cruise the small town, they hear De De banging and screaming in the trunk. The guys try to play it off as something mechanical, but it's no use. Hotrod helps De De out of the trunk. She gets in the front seat and notices the girls uniforms, and asks if they're Campfire Girls or Brownies. Neely sprays contraceptive cream on her, and she's evicted from the car. [I feel a tad sorry for De De; I mean, yes she's promiscuous, but what about Terry?]

We get a glimpse into Carol's home life. Her mother (Dalene Young) is a raging alcoholic (which they try to turn into something funny) and her dad (Stan Kamber) is a crazed veteran. Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin) is showing his cadet, Carol, how to get into a house for training purposes. Of course, he gets a face full of her butt. Inside this house, Officer Turner (Michael Heit) is getting it on with his assigned volunteer, Neeley. Carol climbs a ladder and sees Neely inside. Officer Drury looks up the ladder and gets an eyeful. Carol's neighbor, Dustin (Michael Sloane) is mentally handicapped [We're supposed to find humor here somehow.]Speaking of topics we're not supposed to make light of, Carol's mother is turning up the bottle again. The repeated joke is that she's got alcohol hidden around the house in inventive places. The plumber (George Buck Flower) is helped to his feet by Carol's mother. When she lifts him up, she falls backward, with the plumber on top of her. Carol comes into the kitchen and finds her mother in this compromising position.

Carol is taught how to be an undercover prostitute. [Is this something they really teach volunteers?] Hotrod and Neeley are pulled over for smoking pot. Officer Turner handcuffs Neeley and takes her away in his squad car. Turner takes her back to the training house where they have sex. So, Neeley is playing both sides here. An extremely bizarre scene: Terry and Carol are making out in his car, when they're attacked by a gang of kids. The pack of ten year olds chases her through a field, tear her clothes off and try to rape her! She's saved at the last moment by Officer Drury. The plumber is back, and he's humping mom from behind. Carol, with her clothes tattered from the grade school rape gang, catches her mother in the act. Carol confronts her mother about the drinking; during the course of the conversation she learns that she was actually adopted.

Carol is so distraught she puts on her prostitute getup and works the street corners. She's about to go home with a guy, but Officer Drury arrives to stop her before she makes a huge mistake. Then they make out in his car. She goes back home, and freaks her poor father out; he thinks she's become a prostitute. She is almost raped by Dustin, and he chases her across the street and is hit by a car. She decides to marry him. [This made zero sense to me. I'm sure I missed something important, but was too tired to go rewind.] But before she can say "I do", the wedding erupts into chaos (as often happens in 1980s comedies). Hotrod is being pursued by Turner; he sneakily handcuffs Carol to the officer then runs. So, she's forced to run along in her wedding dress. It's confusing. Just roll with it. They end up in the squad car with Drury. The last scene implies that Drury and Carol get together . THE END