Jun 29, 2019

The Surrogate (1984)

A Canadian erotic thriller starring Shannon Tweed (so you know boobs at a minimum are forthcoming).

 Frank (Art Hindle) is a Porsche salesman who's stressed out to the max.

His relationship with Lee (Shannon Tweed), his wife, is falling apart.  He can't seem to get it up, it's driving him insane, and he's becoming overly aggressive.

There's a string of stabbings in the city.  Detective George Kyber (Michael Ironside) is on the case.  Ironside is given absolutely nothing to do in this film.  He's in it just to add a name to the VHS box.  He just does his usual male equivalent of a resting bitch face in a couple scenes and that's it.

 Lee isn't getting any action from Frank, so she lets her hot tub jets work their magic.

 Fred goes to see his psychiatrist, Dr. Foreman (Marilyn Lightstone) for some help.

 Dr. Foreman recommends this chick - Anouk (Carole Laure), a sex therapist.  Laura is a popular singer in Canada who has also done her fair share of French language TV and film.

 Lee is hesitant, but Anouk is able to gain her trust and put her under hypnosis.

 Lee goes under the spell and is at her mercy.  She then calls ol' Frank over to finish the job.

He does what needs to be done, but afterwards Lee is unhappy.  This wasn't exactly a natural way to have sex - to have her under hypnosis.  So their marital woes continue.

 Lee has one friend that she confides in - a cross dresser named Eric (Jim Bailey).

 Anouk makes a surprise visit while Lee is away.

Frank gets into such a lather, he can't help himself.  He jumps her bones right on the dining room table.

 The next day, when Frank returns home, he finds Lee tied to a chair, with her dress hiked up to her waist (a nice touch).

 It's Anouk!  She threatens Frank with a cattle prod.  However, he's able to out maneuver her, and is able to rescue Lee.

Somehow, that hostage situation was what their marriage needed.  Now, they're happily screwing again.  This scene is pretty hilarious; the couple discuss what to do about Anouk, and who's doing the stabbings, etc... all while completely naked.

 Imagine being Art Hindle and having to concentrate and read your lines during this scene.

 Lee and Eric work out in the gym; poor Eric is stabbed to death shortly afterwards.

 They also find that Dr. Foreman has been stabbed.

Just when you forget that Ironside is even in this movie, he pops up briefly, does nothing but look pissed, and we move on to another scene.

 Frank goes searching for Anouk.  He tries the local sex shops for clues.

 The film's climax - Anouk shows up at their apartment with a gun.  Frank tries to go on the offensive, but Lee steps in and tries to kill him.  WTF?

Yep.  This is the big twist.  Lee is actually the serial killer.  Are you fucking kidding me? THE END

There's a cheesy epilogue where we find that Frank has moved on to another woman, and Anouk is still A-OK.  A lame bookend to a lame movie.  As grateful as I am to catch Shannon Tweed naked in another movie, it just wasn't worth it.

Ironside is totally wasted in this role.  Art Hindle is basically the Canadian version of Andrew Stevens; a good actor, but kinda boring.  Plus, the "twist" ending was ridiculous, and Carole Laure, who looks gorgeous in this film, provides zero eye candy.  I hate to say it, but Canada shit the bed with this one.  No thanks.

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