Your Tour Guide Through Cinema Trash (and Treasures)

Dec 27, 2018

Blood Kiss (1999)


A shot on video (SOV) horror film; given that it was made in '99, I'm guessing one of the last legit SOV flicks released.  As with most SOV films, the amateurishness knows no bounds, but it's all done with heart. If you've ever seen American Movie, released this same year, then you maybe can appreciate this odd little corner of the horror genre landscape.




 It all started when Danny Dodd (Jeff Murphy) took his wife and daughter to a local yard sale.

 Yes, this is our hero - a chain smoking fat dude with a mullet.

His wife, Elaine (Kathy Roth), found an ancient book at the yard sale and has become obsessed with it.

You'll notice the actress is topless.  This movie sucks from top to bottom, but you have to give director, Michael W. Johnson, credit - he manages to pack his ultra-low-budget movie full of naked women.

 Danny gives his wife a fun-loving spanking.

But there's nothing fun about Elaine's obsession with this book.  It ultimately leads to her sacrificing their daughter on the backyard picnic table - with decorative tiki torches that also serve as mosquito repellents.

Elaine conjures up a vampire, Adam Mortis (Steve Lee).  The undead bloodsucker kills his wife then takes off with his daughter.

Ten years later, we find Adam Mortis passed out in a stairwell.  A young woman comes to his aid.

The young lady is played by Crystal Harrell.  Pretty much all of the actresses in this film call this film their only IMDb credit.  I'm presuming they were all locals (the film was shot in Minneapolis); probably strippers.

 The smooth talking vampire convinces the girl to let him into her apartment and have a drink.

 As with every adult female in this movie without exception, she gets naked.

 They take a shower together, then Adam bites her neck.

 Now we go to Augies strip joint.

 Adam goes home with a stripper (Melinda Shaffer).  


He kills her then sucks his blood.  Note that the story line is a bit different than I'm presenting it.  The killings are intercut with Danny's flashback scenes - the whole story of the yard sale through the tiki torch ritual takes the entire length of the movie to tell... and by the way, this movie is fucking two hours long!

Next, we meet Miranda (Michelle DeGuzman).  She's Adam's slave; she lures in victims to provide him with fresh blood.

Actress Michelle DeGuzman gets naked a lot in this movie.  This shower scene in particular is especially graphic, with the camera zooming in on her ta-ta.  This is her only IMDb credit.

 Miranda has found a skanky dirtbag to serve as a victim for Adam.

Stephani Johnson plays a hooker who gets enlisted to be another slave for Adam.  She's probably the best looking girl in the movie (which may not be saying much).

The hooker gets sick due to lack of blood.  Miranda gives her assistance - which, naturally, involves getting completely naked.

Probably the most effective scene in the movie involves the hooker killing a girl in a barren, muddy wasteland.  She's completely nude and covered in blood, and the setting is pretty cool.

 Danny has a nightmare where Miranda and the hooker emerge from the foot of his bed.

 Adam and his two bitches.

The hooker lures a victim to bed.  Take note of the waterbed and Jason/Leatherface decor.  Now that's what I call a classy bedroom.

Danny manages to capture Miranda.  Adam and the hooker soon follow.  It's up to him to avenge the murder of his wife and daughter.

Danny is tied to a chair and the hooker literally bites his dick... and I kid you not, the camera shows his bloody pecker and droopy nuts.  Fucking gross!  In the final scene, Danny drives a stake through the hooker's heart, but is shot dead by the police.  THE END

This is a nasty little movie - scummy, and unpleasant from beginning to end.  Even if it was good, nothing could make up for having to see a close up of Danny's bloody dick.  On the plus side, it is just wall-to-wall naked girls - I'm frankly amazed at the director's ability to get this many women to agree to getting fully nude.  I'm sure they were all strippers - but still.

In spite of the constant nudity, it's almost impossible to enjoy due to the inept filming, poor video quality, and overall seediness.  Maybe if I saw it at an Alamo Drafthouse, where everyone can laugh at it together, it might have been fun.  But taken on its own, without a crowd to enjoy it with, it sucks pretty hard.

★☆

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