Jul 14, 2018

Miami Models (1994)

Five girls are recruited by a modelling agency.  Little do they know, it's a complete fraud.  Get ready for lots of hot girls and precious little plot.

 Meet Barry (Jeff Mustard).  He's a ill-mannered, sexist, idiot... but he's been entrusted to look after the palatial estate of his boss, Mssr. Grande (Alain De Grelle).

His son, Barry Jr., has just been fired from his position as gopher/errand boy for a modelling agency.  But he has a brilliant idea - using Grande's estate while he's away, they can run their own modelling agency!  (These two are like Al and Bud Bundy, but not near as endearing.)

So, father and son recruit 5 models and pick each up at the airport.  Let's meet them:

Zinga is from Sweden; her real name is Inga, but Junior is inspired to call her "Zinga" to make her name pop.  She's played by Marita Makkonen - this is her only film credit.

Fab, as they'll call her, is a rich German girl.  She's played by Christine Jackobi. Her only other film credit is some movie called Streets of Darkness released the following year.

Legsfrom Switzerland is given her name because Bud Bundy (er, I mean Barry Junior) is so impressed by her legs.  Isn't he a genius?  Legs is played by Ute Weigel; she has two other movie credits: The Point of Betrayal from the year before, and South Beach Academy from the year after.

(Note that the IMDb listing is incorrect, spelling her character's name as "Lega".)

Britt, as you could probably guess, is from Britain.  She's the most ambitious and stuck-up of the bunch.  Britt is played by Jennifer Langdon.  She has four additional movie credits (none of which I've heard of) and a role as waitress on SeaQuest 2030.

Lastly is the southern belle, Babs.  She's played by Kelly Rizzo; this is her only film credit.

Well, I can't help but feel that I'm spending more time making this review than they actually spent making the movie itself.  So, let's move along...

From the airport, the gang rolls up to their new living quarters at the posh Grande mansion (which, of course, the Barrys pretend is theirs).

Naturally, the girls change into their lingerie and underwear.  Britt informs the rest of the group that Legs has never modeled before - the girls go nuts.

 Zinga and the rest spring into action, teaching Legs the ropes - a crash course in modeling.

From Left: Zinga, Britt, Legs, Babs and Fab
It's all incredibly corny.  I guess this scene is supposed to be sexy, or maybe funny?  I don't know; as much as I love seeing these gals in their bras and panties, this was pretty cringeworthy.

It's the first photo shoot.  Barry Junior does his best (wearing Guess jeans) and the girls are too inexperienced to realize his amateurishness.

But when they meet some male models who look at the pictures, they're quickly informed that the pictures are pure shit.

The girls confront Barry & Barry.  

 Skinny dip!! So yells the party crowd.  The girls have joined the male models for a pool party.

Legs is among the first to tear her top off and join the fun.

 Watching Fab scale the ladder is a thing of beauty.

Fab and Babs have sex on the living room couch.  Once they notice they're doing it side-by-side, they're horrified and leave.

On the next day's photo shoot, Fab poses on a motorcycle wearing a bathing suit that is nothing short of amazing.

Throughout the movie we are subjected to the imbecilic shenanigans of the competing agency (the one Barry Jr. was fired from).  The pretentious German photographer, Helmut and his full-retard assistant, Loopi.  They're supposed to supply comedy, but instead supply cringe that is, frankly, hard to watch.

 The girls have a fight over who stole a can of mousse. 

 Britt breaks it up, realizing they're all stressed-out over not being paid by the Barrys. They resolve to demand payment or they quit.

The Barrys are able to prevent a walkout by promising them acting roles in their movies.  They film at Miami Beach the next day.

SCENE 1: Action!

Legs is drowning (topless) and a hunk has to rescue her.  Too bad the cameraman filmed this scene directly into the sun - you can hardly tell what you're looking at.

Legs and her rescuer make love on the shore. 

Throughout the scene there's a bit of seaweed stuck to Legs' left thigh, but I'm willing to overlook it.

SCENE 2: Action!

 Fab emerges from the ocean topless and carrying a harpoon gun, like she's in an Andy Sidaris movie.

It's a damn shame actress Christine Jackobi didn't go anywhere in film (only one other IMDb credit); she clearly had the talent.

 In this scene, Fab must do battle with a Beach Ninja.

Wow.  I can't help but wish I was watching the movie the Barrys are filming instead.

Which brings up a fairly meta point.... the actresses in this film (Christine Jackobi, Ute Weigel, and the other three) are actually experiencing what their characters are experiencing in the film!  I mean, they are five inexperienced girls who are asked to show-off their bodies for some rinky-dink piece-o-shit production.  Think about that for minute.

SCENE 3: Action!

 Babs stars in a Bonnie & Clyde gun battle scene.

The scene is rigged so that Babs' shirt is blown off during the gun battle, and tons of fake blood packets are thrown at them.

 You can tell actress Kelly Rizzo can't keep from laughing during this scene.

A running gag is that Barry Sr. exclaims "Next time, show us more tits" at the end of every scene.

 In the makeup room, the girls formulate a plan to see if their male model boyfriends are being faithful.  They'll use Barry's video camera and bait each boyfriend and catch it on film whether they cheat or not.

 Zinga wears a sizzling outfit to try and bait Babs' boyfriend.

 He falls for the trap.  But can you really blame him?  This is hardly fair.

 Fab acts as bait for Zinga's boyfriend in the hot tub... and so on.  None of the lads are found to be faithful.

 The girls watch the recordings on the TV.

 Later, they attend the movie premier.  (Dear Lord, how fake is this?)

The girls are mortified

Looking at an issue of wife swapper magazine, Barry Jr. realizes his father's just done something terrible.  In order to get funds to pay everyone's salary, he's sold each girl to a foreigner!

He tells the girls they are modelling bridal gowns for a catalog - when in fact they're really getting hitched to these strangers!  Fortunately, Barry Junior arrives to put a stop to this.

Shit hits the fan as these foreigners hold Barry Junior at gunpoint, and the girls threaten to call the police.  At the last second, Junior conveniently gets a call for a movie advance of seven figures - enough to pay these men back and give the girls a salary.  THE END

Holy shit, folks.  I don't know what to say.  This movie is clearly garbage... and yet it delivers what a film like this is supposed to deliver: lots of titties.  You can tell everyone feels silly playing their part in this utterly ridiculous picture, but you can also tell they're having fun.  And I had fun watching this piece of shit.  So, there's that.

That's not to say there isn't plenty of room for improvement. There are a lot of random bits that don't progress the story in any way: the baiting of the boyfriends, the pool party, the ridiculous competing modeling agency, etc.  I suppose they do serve a function - to provide an opportunity for titties.  Another issue is the lightweight nature of the sex appeal: only Legs, Babs and Fab get naked (so, what about Zinga and Britt?)... and only topless.  In the end, I'll have to echo the words of Barry Senior: "Next time, show us more tits!"


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