Mar 4, 2018

Biohazard (1985)


Tagline: "Science Gone Very, Very Bad"



Angelique Pettyjohn plays Lisa Martyn, a woman with special mind powers.  She's undergoing tests at a top secret military installation.

You may recognize Angelique from her role on Star Trek (episode: The Gamesters of Triskelion) where she wore a skimpy aluminum foil bikini.

The scene where she was writhing in pain sent many a lad straight into puberty back in '68. But I digress.

The military scientist has Lisa wear a silly apparatus on her head; she'll channel her mind to bring anything into being.... or, er, something or other.

Shit gets real when Lisa somehow channels a mysterious box from outer space to land into their secret-underground laboratory.


What's in the box?  (I think you can probably guess it's not an IKEA kitchenette)

"HUZZAH!" It's a midget alien!  When the military crew attempts to cart the mystery box offsite, this bugger pops out and kills a soldier and escapes.

Now, it's up to Mitchell Carter to capture or kill this renegade alien. "First I'll need a place to set up camp." And so, he shacks up with Lisa.

At Lisa's place they get to know each other better, and Mitchell confesses his trepidation:
Mitchell: I'm sorry it's just that there's this creature out there that can kill an able bodied man in seconds; and that's just more than we can handle.
Lisa: I think it strikes out in fear.
Mitchell: You're still just as dead.
Lisa and Mitchell are soon grubbing on her living room sofa; but, the foreplay is interrupted by the phone ringing.

When Lisa gets the phone, we get a nice long look at Pettyjohn's greatest assets.


"It's for you."
It's the military base.  There's something strange going on.  Mitchell will have to come immediately.

Meanwhile, the alien is on the loose in a residential area.  We meet Roger, who's fixing a radio while partaking in Ruffles and Pringles.  He hears a strange noise, and goes to investigate.

He wanders around the house, enters the bathroom, and pulls away the shower curtain to reveal...

... his naked wife, Jenny, in the bathtub.  Jenny is played by the super foxy Loren Crabtree, who doesn't have another IMDb credit to her name.

Jenny is annoyed with Roger:
That's it.  No more late night television for you. Those horror movies give you weird ideas.
It's only a movie.  It's only a movie.
Sadly, Roger is subsequently killed by the alien when he returns to his potato chips.  Jenny finds his body, screams... and that's the last we see of her.

Mitchell and Lisa investigate a mysterious canister-from-space.  Out pops a tiny alien which immediately sets about killing the "red shirt" in the room.

The midget alien goes on a killing spree - killing hobos and the elderly... sadly, no more topless young women.

I appreciated this scene, where a dude is killed by the alien as he goes dumpster diving, and pulls out an E.T. poster.

Unfortunately, much of the rest of the movie consists of the police, Mitchell & Lisa running around in the dark looking for the alien.  There's some semi-decent practical effect gore, but nothing to write home about.

Finally, the stupid rubber-suit midget alien is electrocuted.

Ah, but Lisa reveals herself to be a part of the alien race.  This was all a part of her master plan.

I can't help it - I love this ending.  Mitchell, clearly disgusted and tired, just looks at the camera, gives the "cut" signal, and says, "I think that's it."  You can hear Fred Olen Ray say "cut" and the film abruptly ends.

It was a stupid ride, but we got to see two beautiful ladies' breasts, a hilariously awful rubber-suited monster, and campy killings and gore throughout.  What more would you expect?

★★★

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