Mar 25, 2018

Agent 69 in the Sign of Scorpio (1977)


This particular Bond spoof from Denmark piqued my interest because it stars Ingmar Bergman's daughter, Anna, in a film that can basically be called a porno.

There was a whole series of these astrological sign films, and I plan to cover each one.  The film has a fairly high production value, a comedic plot, legit actors, etc.... yet, it has hardcore scenes here and there. The fact that it's a secret agent flick raises the interest even more.  Let's see what this unique entry in the pantheon of spy thrillers has to offer...


This is going to be a long walkthrough, folks.  This film has a ton of shit going on at all times.  Buckle up and try to follow along.

Ole Søltoft plays Agent 69 Jensen.  He's been stuck doing menial duties posing as a health food store employee.  But now The Chief (Poul Bundgaardat) at Danish Intelligence has finally given him a mission.

An alternative fuel source to oil has been invented, and its composition is on a secret microfilm. Jensen's job is to guard the courier delivering the microfilm to the CIA.

The Chief has his assistant, Penny, retrieve the bag.  Penny is played by Anna Bergman, the daughter of renowned filmmaker, Ingmar Bergman.

Anna Bergman promo shot

The Chief explains that he'll be carrying the decoy bag (which contains nothing but loaves of bread). Another special agent will act as the actual courier, holding the bag with the actual microfilm.

Jensen accidentally rips off Penny's top.  A ridiculous moment of gratuitous nudity, and the first glimpse at Anna Bergman's boobs.

This scene was used for a lobby card.  Interestingly, you get a much better look at Bergman's breasts in the lobby card than the film - as it all happens so fast and blurry.

But you don't have to pause and look carefully to see Anna Bergman's goods.  The actress and model was never averse to baring it all in magazines.


THE VILLAINS

from left: Citron, Scorpio, some chick with no pants, and Matty Hari
And so we are introduced to the main bad guy, Scorpio (Karl Stegger), who wants to intercept this microfilm.  He tasks his henchmen to snatch it: Matty Hari (Gina Janssen) and Citron-Børge (Bent Warburg).

THE COURIER

We are introduced to the dimwitted Arnold (Søren Strømberg) who has bumbled his way into inadvertently becoming the courier of the microfilm.  How did this happen?  He just happened to say the secret password, and The Chief thinks he's a secret operative come to transport the top secret microfilm.

But Arnold isn't just any fool off the street.  He's a fool with a backstory...

Scorpio back in the day
His father was the greatest spy of the Danish Intelligence, but he was gunned down by Scorpio many years ago.

Arnold's mother, Irma Anderson
Arnold's mother, Irma, vows to one day avenge the name of her late husband.

Later, the real courier arrives...

The real courier is from the United States.  Penny and The Chief learns of their terrible mistake in thinking the mildly retarded Arnold was actually their man.

They play a cassette tape of the US president verifying his identity (and it is hilarious to hear a Jimmy Carter voice with a thick Scandinavian accent).

IRMA ANDERSON

Penny goes to Arnold's house.  In the eyes of the government, poor old Irma Anderson has double-crossed the government by having her dumb son pose as courier.

But Penny underestimates the ladies who have obviously learned a thing or two from the late-great Agent Anderson.  Penny is knocked-out and tied up.

Lobby card featuring Anna tied up by Arnold's  deceptively dangerous caregivers



The old ladies learn that the Danish government thinks halfwit Arnold is in league with Scorpio and is out to kill the poor fool.  He's heading right into a deadly trap with Scorpio as well.  Peggy and the ladies get in the car and head immediately to Bromby.

Earlier that day...

THE TRAIN TO BROMBY

Citron-Børge and Matty Hari are staked out at the train station, awaiting the courier, so they can intercept the bag.

Scorpio, always flanked by bottomless babes, tells Børge that one of his top henchmen is on her way.  Lissie will take care of everything, and secure the microfilm.

Lissie (Anne Magle) lures Agent Jensen to a private room, distracts him with her behind, then takes his bag.

Børge empties the bag's contents to find it's full of health food.

It's a non-stop nip-slip with Matty Hari
Lissie tries again with Agent Jensen to get the correct bag. But Jensen is wise to her games.

He remembers the immortal words of his boss, The Chief.  Beware of the ladies.

Jensen takes her clothes.  When they finally arrive in Bromby, Lissie has to walk to Scorpio's HQ in the nude, empty handed.  (We'll be seeing Lissie again later.)

Børge has to call Scorpio with the bad news - they don't have the microfilm.  The irate crime boss orders them to come back to headquarters at once.

On their way to HQ, Matty Hari and Børge come across Arnold on their way to HQ.  He's been in a car accident (after being chased by The Chief, who, if you'll recall, still thinks he's one of Scorpio's agents).   They take him along with them.

SCORPIO'S LAIR




Arnold, The Chief and the US agent all find themselves at Scorpio's palatial estate.

There, Scorpio challenges Arnold, The Chief, and the US agent to a deadly game of Carambole. Winner gets the microfilm, the loser.... well, you know.

The table corners are occupied by naked chicks, making this a rather memorable scene.

The Chief has to do some maneuvering to take a shot

Penny arrives on the scene, under cover as a French maid.

Penny sneaks into Citron-Børge's room.  She removes her bodice which contains a lock pick, among other tools.

She finds the bag and retrieves the small loaf of bread (which supposedly contains the microfilm).  But she can hear Børge coming.

Penny removes her panties which can serve as a zip line for her to escape out the window.  (Don't you love these special agent gadgets?)

But there isn't time to escape.

Penny lays on the bed, being sure not to reveal her face to Børge.

The two have sex, and Penny sneaks out of bed...


...And shoots him with a slingshot she retrieves from her bodice of tricks.  But it's to no avail, as Penny is captured by Scorpio's karate expert minions...


Lobby card which features this scene

Now that Penny is in his clutches, Scorpio demands to know where she put the microfilm.

But just as Penny is about to be forced to reveal its whereabouts, Matty Hari bursts into the room announcing the arrival of a special guest.

THE SHEIKH OF OBEK

Just in time, the Sheikh of Obec arrives.  The sheikh will, no doubt, want the precious microfilm.... but who actually has it?  There's been so many bait-and-switches, then I've lost track of this shell game, and don't know myself.

Lissie has finally arrived, and yes she's still naked.  Scorpio commands her to entertain the sheikh.  Scorpio owes him the microfilm, so they'll have to distract him and bide themselves some time until they can find it.


Børge throws Lissie over his shoulder and brings her to the sheikh.


He offers Lissie as a gift.  Actress Anne Magle provides quite a view as Børge presents his present to the sheikh.


Anne Magle was no stranger to providing nudity in the seventies via countless adult magazines.  Reportedly, Anne graduated from UCLA law school in the late eighties/early nineties.

Well, this future UCLA lawyer is hoisted by two eunuchs upon the sheikh's royal cock.

Lissie is just manhandled up and down, put in all manner of positions by the eunuchs for their master.

Meanwhile, Matty Hari goes to work on the US Special Agent Horsepower to see if he has the microfilm... or should I say "mammothfilm".


Actress Gina Janssen provides a pretty damn explicit sex scene with Agent Horespower.

Gina Janssen sharing a cover with Princess Diana

So, Matty Hari has come up empty, and so, Scorpio is getting anxious.  They've got to find that fucking film!

Matty Hari has had enough.  She and her associate attack Penny out on the grounds, stripping her clothes off looking for the microfilm.  Sadly, it's filmed so close-up, you can't really get a good look at the catfight.


Fortunately, we have this photograph from a magazine which gives us a much better look than the actual film.

THE CLIMAX

Scorpio provides a big dinner for the sheikh and his guests.  At the table is a plate full of bread, with one of them holding the microfilm.

As soon as the microfilm is uncovered by Arnold, Penny springs into full badass mode, and jumps on the table, kicking anyone in her way.

Penny escapes with the microfilm; meanwhile, the whole place erupts into chaos.  Everybody ends up with a pie in the face, a spanking or a karate chop.  It's absolute mayhem.

This is the last we see of Scorpio.  A fitting end.

A chase ensues.  Scorpio's midget henchman pursues Agent Jensen and Penny.  (This is Torben Bille, the infamous Sinful Dwarf... a film sure to be reviewed on VZ1 soon.)

I wish this scene had played out like the lobby card, with Matty Hari riding on the back of the dwarf's vehicle.

Finally, Penny and Jensen have the microfilm delivered properly to its final destination. The End.


The T&A in this film is an embarrassment of riches, with even Ann Bergman delivering the full monty.  And, believe it or not, not every joke falls flat. It's a fun watch, and actually one of the best sexploitation films I've ever seen.  And I've seen a lot.

But, I have to say the addition of porn scenes seemed a bit out of place, and thereby plucks this film from classic cult/drive-in status, and lands it in the 'surprisingly well made porn' category... which, to my thinking, is not as good a place to be.

★★★

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